vomit

18 | Specialist Appointment – Part 4

The nurse strode out the door; I followed, Jeremy and Zeke rolling behind me. We snaked along another hallway until Amy stopped before a door. On the frame, a plastic green flag laid flat against the wall. Amy reached up and flipped it toward the hallway, then opened the door. “In here,” she said. I walked inside the beige room while Amy stood in the hallway, scribbling on her clipboard, and I sat in one of the two mauve chairs edging the room. I noticed a computer and stool to the right of the doorway.

“Actually, Dr. Patron will need you there,” she said, looking up and motioning to the black exam chair in the center of the small room.

18 | Specialist Appointment – Part 4

17 | Specialist Appointment – Part 3

Just then, we heard a knock at the door. “Come in,” Amy said. The door opened a crack and a blurry Jeremy entered with Zeke.

“Hi, hon,” I said.

“Do you want us to sit with you?” Jeremy asked.

“Please!” I said, grinning. “I failed the eye test, by the way,” I said to Jeremy, smiling. “No surprise there.” He grimaced.

17 | Specialist Appointment – Part 3

15 | Specialist Appointment — Part 1

The doors swung open, and I walked inside the beige specialist’s office, hoping to look young and healthy and confident, perhaps like a feminist lawyer with a full schedule — instead of the partially blind stay-at-home mom that I was. Jeremy followed behind, pushing a stroller with Zeke inside, half-asleep and gripping his cowboy doll. I walked up to the receptionist, who was on the phone, while Jeremy and Zeke retreated to a corner of the waiting room.

“I’ll be with you in one moment,” she said, raising one finger.

15 | Specialist Appointment — Part 1

14 | Mercy All Around Us

The next morning, I woke up tired: Zeke had woken us a couple of times with crying and throw up, and by morning, we had draped his bed with towels, and the washing machine thundered with the soiled fitted sheets, pajamas, and blankets from the nighttime. I opened my eyes, staring at a blurry ceiling and remembered in a flash that today we’d finally learn what was wrong with my eye. Just a few more hours of not knowing, I thought, and I sat up suddenly. Jeremy sighed and turned onto his stomach, burrowing his face into his pillow. I looked at my phone and saw a text from Kiley: “Can definitely still watch Hope. We’re planning on it. Keep me posted if anything changes.”

I smiled and whispered, “Thanks, God.”

14 | Mercy All Around Us

13 | Night Before – Part 2

Once we were finally driving home, a plastic grocery bag wrapped around Zeke’s torso as he dozed in his car seat, I asked Jeremy: “What are we going to do?” “I guess we bring Zeke with us,” he said. “Kiley can watch Hope, and we’ll take Zeke.”

“But if Zeke’s really sick, then she won’t want to be around any of us – otherwise her kiddo will get sick, too,” I said.

We’re quiet for a bit, and then I said, “I can’t believe this.”

“Yeah,” he said.

13 | Night Before – Part 2

12 | Night Before – Part 1

The night before the appointment in early February, Jeremy, the kids, and I brought a salad to Morgan and Joel’s house for a Superbowl party. We milled around, sometimes reclining on their yellow couch, sometimes filling plates with food at their long table and sitting on the benches along the length of their table. We talked, ate guacamole and chips, glanced at commercials, and drenched salad in homemade dressing as their kids and ours run up and down the stairs in wild delight, chasing each other and building towers and playing hide-and-seek. While I chopped cucumber to finish assembling the salad, crammed into an alcove in the kitchen, Joel filled cups with water.

He asked me, “So, how is your eye? How are you feeling?”

12 | Night Before – Part 1